Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*

Me:

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.