Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

Thursday Thought.

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha