Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.