Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

lmao😭🤣

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.