It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
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*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.