Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

Body by Oreos

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.