Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

Good for him.

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?