A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??