Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
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Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
How I’d get arrested…
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
San Francisco has too many rules
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies