It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
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My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.