Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
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[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.