My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
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My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
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Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
