It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
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I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.