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When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
There are usually two types of merchants.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.