hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
choose your fighter
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!