Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

*wraps present*

Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.

[20 minutes later]

Shit.

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake