Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.