Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat