Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

Cat is stressing him out.

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.