Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
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I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Meow?
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.