Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
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Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
That’s classic.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.