My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
You Might Also Like
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there