Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

Good morning y’all ☀️

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

Who says great literature is dead?

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

I think this might be relevant today.

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?