i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
You Might Also Like
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
the red hot silly peppers
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Twitter remains undefeated
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
calling in to work dehydrated
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.