Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

Geez man, take it easy.

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.