I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
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Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.