Bike is short for Bichael.
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If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
every olympics i turn into this guy
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes