Bike is short for Bichael.
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I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle