Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
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Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.