Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
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*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
So Hamburger help me, God
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs