As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Damn what did I do next
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
