Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
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Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!