Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

A customer told me they were never coming back….

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

lmfao