mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
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I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know