Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

Only you can prevent podcasts

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.