Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”