Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
You Might Also Like
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
good let them take over I have had enough
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
money maker
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Its true…
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.