Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

*looks at you in batman voice*

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

#dnd #ttrpg

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*