Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
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The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”