Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

i want the dreams to chase me for once

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

Roses are red, you always mattered,

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

no!! no!!!!!!

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.