Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.