Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.