If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
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Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Has science gone too far?
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly