Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”