Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.