Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

Our lord and savoury.

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction