Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
You Might Also Like
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.