when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
feetloaf
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
