Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.