Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

All. The. Damn. Time.

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

where’s Godzilla when we need him

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

I think the cat got the dog high.