Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
You Might Also Like
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?